When you hit rock bottom, there’s no way to go but up.
My mom said this to me many times over the years as each rock bottom day turned into a month, then a year, and so on. Every time I called her with a new low, she’d say “Well the good news is that when you hit rock bottom, there’s no way to go but up!”. For some reason I found this comforting. Yeah, really, how much worse can it get? Things have to turn around from here! I’d tell myself. And yet, there I was, another year deeper into the colossal mudslide I called my life. For the longest time I tried to change my circumstances - get a better job, find a man that was at least a 5 out of 10 on the “not a totally shitty person” scale and buy a car that lasted more than 6 months without a muffler that sounded like I felt - worn out and dragging ass on the pavement.
Yet the cycle continued year after year in spite of the “uplevels” I was making in my life.
I remember landing a job as a technical rectuiter. It was more money than I’d made in awhile and I absolutely hated it. I vividly recall the day I locked myself in the office bathroom and begged Jesus to help me get fired so I could escape this hell and collect unemployment. Really, was that too much to ask?! Then one Friday, Jesus delivered on my request as I was called into the VP’s office and notified that it would be my last day. (It might be interesting to note that I already packed half of my belongings into a box I kept shoved under my desk in preparation for Jesus do me a solid on this one!)
After that, the Universe dropped a law firm job in my lap; I was helping my mom take care of estate paperwork after the passing of my beloved grandparents. The attorney, an older man in his early 70’s, sized me up across the table as he went back and forth between the business at hand and me. The first thing we need to do is probate the Will, he said. “So, what do you do? Oh, you’re not working? How would you like to work for me?”. Before leaving I found myself in a conference room across the hall wearing my surprise interview attire - jeans and and a worn-out, red Ambercrombie zip up hoodie with a slight tear in the right pocket. After a brief conversation, he hired me on the spot as his new legal assistant - a position for which I had ZERO experience. Go figure.
It didn’t take long however to recognize that I was working for a hot head with an ego complex the size of Jeff Bezos’ bank account. My new coping strategy became a shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream in my morning coffee as I turned on my computer and waited for him to shuffle through the office door with a miserable pus on his face.
I powered through that job without a word to Jesus, who, quite frankly, was probably adding a shot of Bailey’s (or something stronger) to his own coffee after dealing with another year of my crap. So instead of hitting Jesus up for another favor, I took time out of my busy day to hide behind the wall of the copier room and throw an impassioned middle finger his way before composing myself in preparation for a new onslaught of put downs, dirty looks, and general demeaning. Ironically, he called me into his office one year for my employee review and offered me double the raise I was expecting, applauding my ability to remain consistently calm in the midst of his miserable leadership. A toast to Bailey’s Irish Cream in my coffee for that one.
Here I was, a desperate victim of life’s unpredictable, muddy rapids with no real plan other than daily survival. And as it turned out, after literally hitting the rock bottom of rock bottomness, I realized that I hadn’t been picking up what the Universe was putting down.
You see, it was never about changing my circumstances. It had little or nothing to do with a new job or anything like that. It was about the ME inside of ME. It was about who I was being and how I felt about myself deep down. Sure, I got a “better” job, but the underlying patterns that attracted the core dysfunctions of my life were still playing out - just in new places under new circumstances.
The voice that said on repeat - hey kid, you’re stupid and broke. Oh, and by the way, you should feel honored to have anyone throw you a crumb of kindness so take what you can get! THIS was the voice playing in my subconscious that ultimately drove the vibe I gave off which looped me back into the same toxic situations year after year until one day…
I woke up and a voice in my head that I hadn’t yet met said “STOP. Just stop already.” And that’s when I realized that being the old “me” wasn’t working.
So I changed.
I made new decisions and better choices aligned with integrity vs. loneliness and fear. I allowed myself to start taking up more space vs. shrinking to please others. I drew stronger boundaries and held myself and others to higher standards.
After every break down I got back up - not as the victim but as the master of my destiny.
Changing me, opened new doors to better experiences and opportunities. I landed a new job at another law firm that I absolutely loved where I was quickly promoted and made lifelong friends. I met my soul mate and finally married again more than 15 years after my divorce. And I purchased my first home - a cozy cottage steps away from the beach I loved and grew up near.
But the magic didn’t end there. When Covid hit in 2020 I decided it was time to take my soul gifts and purpose more seriously - so I hired a coach and began growing my psychic business as I helped people around the world heal and step into their own magic, gifts and highest soul-called potential.
It’s not too late. You too, can become the master of your destiny.
It’s all up to you, kid. And that’s the best part.