You don’t want to die alone, do you?
Here I was, 15+ years post divorce - single with no more mingle left in me. During those 15+ years I desperately looked for love, for THE ONE who would make me whole, take care of me, and fill every void I had inside my heart and soul. Yet, with each new “relationship”, the opposite happened as I was left feeling worse. And the void ? Well it just kept getting bigger until I eventually found myself sitting in my car at the far end of the Herrema’s Food Market parking lot hopping on a free “discovery call” with a dating and relationship coach - except it wasn’t the coach herself, but one of her team members, pitching me the coaching program.
She started by asking my reasons for wanting to work with a coach. I had been on the dating scene for FAR too long and realized I needed an intervention of sorts. Someone to help build me up and give me the tools to find true and lasting love. The number of red flags I’d collected over the years was profane.
After a little chit-chat about my “why” and some bonding as she patiently listened to ramblings about a plethora of my pathetic dating and relationship patterns, she stated the price of the program - 10K for 3 months.
Obviously she couldn’t see that I was sitting in a 1990’s model, silver Toyota Echo (affectionately dubbed “the clown car” by my friends because it was the size of a shoebox) that I’d been gifted by a kind soul along my journey from breakdown to breakthrough. Nevertheless, despite my fantastic Toyota Echo score, I definitely did not have 10k in disposable income.
So now, like a true salesperson, she starts going down the “I can’t afford it” objection list with her scripted responses. Isn’t finding true and lasting love worth $10k? I mean, over a years time you probably spend that much on Starbucks! (a salespitch favorite). Just imagine it, you could be planning your wedding next year if you start now!
She was definitely getting to me, but as mom always said to us growing up, “You can’t get water from a stone" (my ingrained, childhood money mindset issues are a whole other situation). And I happened to be that particular stone in this moment.
Finally, 45-minutes into trying all of her best, scripted responses, she whipped out the big guns. Taking her final stand on the mountain of “I can’t afford it” she said in a taunting tone dripping with cloaked desperation…
YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE ALONE, DO YOU? BECAUSE THAT’S YOUR OTHER OPTION!
And then the line went dead - because I hung up. I was FURIOUS! Playing on someone’s fear of dying alone to gain a client. The only bright spot was that her sales tactic may have been more pathetic than my dating history.
But in that moment, while I didn’t gain a relationship coach I did receive a gift. The gift of taking my power back. The gift of reaching the end of the hopeless rope and my desperate attempts to find a man to fulfill what in reality, was mine to fulfill.
And so, over the next couple of weeks, I made a decision that changed everything. I gave it over. Yep, I gave it over to God, the Universe, spirit and the nature fairies possibly inhabiting the bushes in front of my rental house…basically to anything or anyone I felt to be greater than myself at that moment.
One day, in a tone of astonishment, my mom (yet again) says to me “I have to tell you, you look happier than I have seen you in a very long time and you’re not even dating someone”!
She was right. I was in bliss. Because I had stopped looking for someone to save me, fix me, and marry me - I decided to just “BE”.
I recall as I was actively “giving it over” saying - Ok, God, here’s the deal. If I am meant to die alone, I’ll accept it. Instead I will spend my time helping others, enjoy being with family and friends, and will fill myself with gratitude for the little things. Sure, I know there might be times, especially at night, when I feel so sad and lonely I’ll backslide into self-pity and feelings of desperation, but I promise to allow those feelings to wash through me and start the next day full of hope, positivity, and gratitude.
And that’s exactly what I did…for approximately four months. Then, about four months into my blissed out, single state, I woke up and decided to check the dating app that I’d laid to rest several months before. And there it was - a message just waiting to be opened. Feeling healthier and more confident than ever after walking away from dating desperation and victimhood, I decided to open it.
It would be the last dating app message I ever opened. We married on May 22, 2022.
Love is everywhere. I promise, you’re not dying alone.
Let it go. Be happy and free inside of yourself first and the rest ain’t nothin’ but a chicken wing.